Second night

Well, hello everyone! I have so much to say & my brain is so tied. Okay, lets see. Today is my second night being in my apt. First night, was okay. I put up my laundry, watched a movie, ate some rice & water(great meal, btw-lol) I was completely alone. Hardly any text messages from anyone. Seems to be okay, but, I don't like the loneliness that comes on. I tried to not focus on anything specific & it helped yesterday. I know, that I continue to hear that in time things will get better, but, I don't feel like that. I feel I will be alone & not have an amazing love by my side. :( This is a terrible feeling, I think about my daddy. He left my mom bc he thought she was cheating, but, she wasn't, after 26 years. Idk, I felt so bad for my dad forever bc he tried to be w other women, but, no one was my mom. Mistake, I think on his part bc my mom really wanted to get back w him. Anyway, the whole part of that is bc I don't see anyone in my future. I know I don't have a crystal ball & there might be someone out there for me but I hate(yes, harsh word) but I so dislike this waiting period of finding the right person. It's sad bc who knows if they ais a right person? I mean, I thought that my ex was the perfect man for me & look what happened. Idk, I guess just my insecurities. I wanna stay positive but it's so hard. I'm so confused about things. I feel a little mixed feelings. I guess it's normal. Idk. i also have one more thing to say...I asked my ex to have a drink w me bc that's sonething he told me he wanted to do & he declined. I don't get some ppl & I guess that's the way it is. I mean, he is the one who told me that he wanted to be able to be my friend & now that I am getting stronger & I want to be his friend(btw I have lost lots of weight) he declines my first offer of just going to have a drink. I think he was full of it when he told me he wanted to be friends. Idk, if he wanted me to look forward to something about us or what it is/was. I feel terrible bc I did tell him that I will never settle for less & that I am worthy. I am a smart, attractive woman & I will not allow anyone to ever make me feel less than. Idk. I said that my brain was tied. :(

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Comments (6)

  1. titu2015

    oh dear ……

    August 16, 2015
  2. Hugh_Pizmehoff

    Congrats on the new apartment. Nothing makes McDonalds seem gourmet like eating rice for a week. Try and stay positive and allow positive things to happen.

    August 16, 2015
    1. showerstoflowers

      Thank you Thom! You always say something nice! i am trying my best to stay positive. I sound like a broken record though. I’m starting to get tired of myself.

      August 19, 2015
      1. Hugh_Pizmehoff

        Sometimes, its all I can do to help.

        August 19, 2015
  3. showerstoflowers

    You are a great friend! Thank you.

    August 20, 2015
  4. bluevader

    I don’t know if you are anything like me, but it takes a long time for me to get used to a new house and start properly “living” in it and making it “homely” - in fact, it took me five years to feel like I belonged in this house…

    Time alone can be a strange thing to manage: it gives space for all those mixed feelings to fight for one’s attention. And whatever one gives ones attention to will gain strength and power, over time.

    Yes, it is possible to distract oneself, with a film, with some housework, etc, but there always comes that time where the distractions don’t work and the thoughts have a party in one’s head…

    I think you are right, what you describe does sound like a normal set of things to go through. I’ve been through something a bit like it in the past.

    Things are very good for me for the last fifteen years or so, but I’ve had some rum times in the past, and though my experience is not identical to yours (it couldn’t be!) I do get a sense of some aspects of how life must be for you right now.

    It sounds like you are doing very well, keeping things together – even if there are some days where it doesn’t feel that way, and even when you are getting confusing messages from your ex.

    PS I do hope you have more than just rice in your cupboards – nice as it may be – I remember, years ago, making five slices of gradually-getting-staler bread last for 14 days – not the most fun I have ever had

    August 21, 2015