Looking for apt

im going today to go look at this apt. Im worried. Never lived on my own. Its so weird how ppl say to me oh its gonna be great. You will love it. I can tell you right now, it was just like when they said oh you have that empty nest feeling when I felt like oh all my kids are grown now. They don't need me. They said go find something you want to do. Something you like. Well first. I have never in my life had the time to find out what i like. I never thought bout me. I always had to focus on my kids, their school things, necessaties, my family, things like that. Making sure i worked and now. Okay, i have the job thing down but doing it bc i have to survive. Not looking at it bc its for me. Im scared, nervous, not sure bout this place. I mean i don't even know if they will be able to offer it to me. I have no rent history. I have no anything. I have no history bc i moved directly in w my ex. (see i called him my ex) its doesnt make me feel good, thats not it but i know that is what he is to me now. I have tried not to talk, text completely avoid him. well not completely bc he has to pay a very small amount of alimony.(Write a check so i asked him if he could get banks to do, just deposit directly bc i dont want him to know anything bout where i am going-So that will help me out for a year..)just mentioning, he asked my son what location of one of 2 jobs i will be working at so he doesn't come in. He doesn't need to know. He lost that right but its bc he doesn't want to go there. Ok, i get that but now you know so stop. I mean he asked my son to do things w him. I get that too but don't think its right. Not right now. No, i guess im being selfish.this is my son. I had him. im seriously thinking no! no! You made your choice to not have anything to do with me and he is my son, i think your being selfish (me)Is it wrong for me to want my ex to feel the pain, hurt, loneliness, etc., that i had to feel? I feel defeated today. I should feel good bc i am trying to get myself together and possibly in an hour go donate plasma to buy food or pay my cell phone. im so tired. I guess bc i have done all of this within a couple of months on top of everything else thats happened... Not being able to choose just being able to accept the things and decisions i have been making. I need a prayer, just a small one. I can feel how tired i am but i know it's necessary. Slow down, i cant do it but am burning all my energy. Idk when im gonna just faint. I really can't believe i have done this much and still have so much more ahead. I wanna find peace. Oh i am looking for it to come, come really soon. I wish i had help. (Sigh) man, i wanna cry but know its not good bc it just brings me even more down than i am. Time...none. Sorry if jumped from one thing to another but thats how my brain is working. Ugh

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Comments (4)

  1. SEC

    First thing take a deep breath and try to calm down. Then look at what you need, look for convenience to work and character of the neighborhood. Decide the things you would like to have close and work from there.

    July 04, 2015
    1. showerstoflowers

      I wish I had the time to do that. I don’t have much of an option & its really hard bc I know that I want to be far enough away from him so I don’t run into him. I know thats the best thing for me. Avoiding him as much as possible.

      July 04, 2015
      1. SEC

        I just want you to make the intelligent choice not the expedient one

        July 04, 2015
      2. This comment has been deleted
  2. freedomorbondage

    I feel your pain in a way. I never had kids or a husband but did live with two ex-fiancés. Crying is supposed to be good for you. You should be able to let all of that pain out by crying. I felt suicidal and cried, but the next day picked myself back up. It’s ok. I’m not saying crying in public is a good idea, but when you are alone, you shouldn’t be afraid to do so. There’s a lot of pain screaming to come out from the impression that I get. I believe in you if it helps any.

    July 04, 2015